Oh darling. You really make me happy. And I know it’s real because I have been unhappy for a while now. You came when I least expect it. You came when I wasn’t looking anymore, when I stopped caring. But darling, you remind me that I need this; that everyone deserves someone. You remind me everyday. You are so special and beautiful and you make me whole and you make me feel so good about myself, I don’t want to lose you. Ever. It feels so good having someone else take of me rather than myself. And it may seem too soon but I would really really really love to wake up beside you, everyday. With the kids and the dogs and the blue-roofed house. I have loved and lost but no one ever made me feel this way. I love you.
I have been hung up on you. I have been hung up on you for a very long time now. We were together for a little more than two years and already broken up for a little less than two.
I try to push the feelings aside. I force myself to be happy. There were guys who tried, too. But failed. It has been a long ass time but there are still nights where I cry myself to sleep. I feel sorry for myself. Everyday I feel regret. But I put up a pretty strong front. No one knows I feel this way. No one can tell. There is a big lump on my chest and I have no fuckin clue how to get it out. I cant talk to anyone about this. No one understands. Fuck, I cant even understand myself.
I miss getting messages from you. Yours were different. They were meaningful. I miss your gifts. They were never store-brought. You made them with your heart. I miss our comfortable silences. I miss our walks. The way you hugged me from the back. That was your favorite, too. I miss learning to like something just because you liked it. I miss seating next to you. The way I lean on your shoulder and you cant lean on mine because youre too tall, but you always try anyway. Do you remember the time when we were sitting comfortably then this old lady came aboard and you gave her your seat? You were such a gentleman. You were different. I miss dining with you. We love eating, remember? We’d go to unfamiliar places just to taste their food. I miss the way we held your umbrella. We held it together. Our hands clasped, looking like idiots. But what other people think didnt matter. We had our own universe. And now I am trapped in the blackhole that was left of it.
I dont know if I miss you. Or I just miss the idea of you, your company, your warmth. Or maybe, I really do miss you.